Sally-Ann Marshall takes on the loud cars with some louder opinions
Image: Megan Crombie
What is F1?
Formula One is the “pinnacle of motorsport” aka 19 rich guys (soon to be 21) plus Franco Colapinto, all driving in circles at terrifying speeds, while engineers cry in wind tunnels because their car has the aerodynamics of a rock.
There are currently 10 teams with 2 drivers each. This year Cadillac joins, because they sold their soul to the F1 owners (Liberty Media Corporation). That makes 11 teams, 22 drivers, and, more significantly, 22 egos to deal with.
Points System
Win = 25 points. Second = 18. Third = 15. Then it goes 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, and finally 1 point for finishing 10th, basically a participation trophy for the “best loser.”
Constructors’ Championship
Both drivers’ points count towards the WCC (World Constructors’ Championship). This is the championship for the whole team to celebrate: from the mechanics who build the car and rebuild it again and again (due to drivers deciding following the track layout is optional) to the strategists along with many more people who are involved behind the scenes. Finishing higher means more money. But finishing higher also means less wind tunnel time (which tells the team how well the car can cut through air, making them quick to be more aerodynamic.) So… congratulations! You’re rich but aerodynamically clueless.
Season Calendar
The season starts in late February and ends in early December. December–February is “break time,” where mechanics rebuild cars while the governing body of F1, the FIA, randomly changes the rules just to keep the Netflix show Drive to Survive viewers entertained as the Williams mechanics are bawling their eyes out.
Engines
There are four suppliers: Mercedes, Ferrari, Honda, Renault. They build engines, then rent them out, like Airbnb for horsepower (or in Ferrari’s case lack thereof; the only horsepower you will see is the horse on their logo).
Mercedes currently powers McLaren, Williams, and Alpine.
Ferrari gives engines to Haas and Cadillac.
Honda used to power Red Bull + Vcarb, but Ford is sliding back in. In 2026, Honda moves its engines to Aston Martin.
Renault have rage quit, leaving Alpine with Merc.
Audi shuts Ferrari out of Sauber and brings their own engines. Basically: it’s really sad nerdy musical chairs, but with billion-dollar engines and no good music.
And now I’ll speedrun terms because I don’t want to be a grade A yapper.
Pole Position → fastest qualifier, starts first.
Back Marker → last place, just vibes.
Pitstop → car spa day for new tyres.
Overtake mode/MOM (Manual Override mechanism) → new “press X to boost” button coming this year.
DRS (Drag Reduction System) → rear wing flap that makes you go faster on the straight parts of track. Gone from the 2026 season.
Tyres → Soft = high grip but low durability, Medium = balanced, Hard = durable but lower grip.
Inters = drizzle of rain
Wets = if the heavens open up
Race Week
Normal weekend: Free practice or FP1+ FP2 (Friday), FP3 + Quali (Saturday), Race (Sunday).
Sprint weekend: shorter race on Saturday, mechanics cry when Lance Stroll bins the car two hours before qualifying.
Teams & Drivers (Quick Roast Edition)
McLaren (Papaya cult): CEO Zak Brown is comparable to the annoying orange; Andrea Stella does a “Stella” job.
- Lando Norris: the current world champion; he is every 13-year-old’s favourite driver due to his internet presence.
- Oscar Piastri: Aussie robot, calm, efficient; he lives by the motto ‘I get it now.’
Ferrari (Italian heartbreak factory): eternal hope, eternal pain.
- Lewis Hamilton: one of the GOATs, the 7x champion swapped Mercedes for Ferrari; got handed a tractor.
- Charles Leclerc: one of the most loyal men on the planet; been in the Ferrari slums of depression since 2019.
Red Bull (extreme sports energy drink): top team, chaotic marketing.
- Max Verstappen: Dutch Racing machine, raised by former F1 driver dad Jos to get him to where he is today; took Daniil Kvyat’s seat, wife, and child.
- Isack Hadjar: Red Bull’s next big project. Has recently been “promoted” to Red Bull’s main team.
Mercedes (German precision, UK base): still a top team.
- Kimi Antonelli: 19‑year‑old rookie, already thriving under pressure. Also doing better than Lewis, who he replaced.
- George Russell: meme lord, possibly Woody from Toy Story in human form.
Aston Martin (Green Hope, Crash Reality)
- Fernando Alonso: oldest driver on the grid and a two time WDC; the 3rd is coming, mark my words! Dragging the team by sheer willpower.
- Lance Stroll: Professional barrier tester who keeps mechanics and therapists employed.
Alpine (French Exit Strategy)
- Pierre Gasly: French driver whose hairline is still suffering due to his Red Bull days.
- Franco Colapinto: Rookie from Argentina, fan favourite, getting paid with a complimentary alpine tote bag.
Williams (Heritage Museum)
- Alex Albon: Hair game stronger than the car. His confidence in himself as a driver is comparatively low compared to others.
- Carlos Sainz: Smooth Operator™. The man who makes overtakes look easy. Decided to weight save last year by cutting out his appendix.
Haas (Gene Haas’ Tax Write‑Off)
- Esteban Ocon: Fights everyone whether it is other drivers, his inner French demons or his teammates.
- Oliver Bearman: made an impressive deuteron race in Jeddah 2024 for Ferrari after Carlos’s little weight saving stint. Probably regretting joining Gene Haas’s tax write-off.
Vcarb (Red Bull’s Little Brother)
- Liam Lawson: a Kiwi driver whose career has been a rollercoaster; he has been a reserve driver, full time, back to reserve, back to full time then promoted for 2 races then demoted. All in 3 years.
- Arvid Linblad: new rookie driver who races under the British flag despite being very proud of his Indian heritage. There has been major hype around him as he has been promoted from the junior series back-to-back to back.
Audi (German Takeover)
- Nico Hulkenberg: German F1 driver with a lot of experience (just not on a podium).
- Gabriel Bortoleto: Rookie Brazilian, won F2, won a Kit Kat sponsorship and won Nico’s heart.
Cadillac (Newcomer, American Muscle)
- (Sergio) Checo Perez: commonly referred to as the Mexican minister of defence; if this guy doesn’t want to let you pass, you ain’t getting past.
- Valtteri Bottas: a driver from Finland who has made himself an honorary Australian due to him adopting the style.
